9:30am. Since Friday, my punching bag has been exposed to the elements, it’s rained a few times already, the wooden chair as well. But I don’t care, in fact, I don’t care about anything, myself included, I could care the least about becoming a millionaire. I type this out of pure reflex, because even though I don’t care about anything, I know that one day I will, and my personal struggles today will not be remembered, but my results will be felt later on. When I am alone, I masturbate, it’s a bit of an exaggeration to say 10-15 times a day, that implies that I am finishing each time. A more accurate representation of the problem is to say, if I am awake 8 hours, 4 of those are spent masturbating. The rest is spent binge eating, manic posting on Instagram, and staring off into the abyss, sometimes I hit a philosophical vein in the evening and can pull myself together after 5 cups or coffee to do one hour of work, which looking at all the work piled up around me that needs to get done, tends to send me into a frenzied state where I try to do everything at once before I drift off to sleep. Each time I finish in masturbation, I care less and less, motivation and will dissipate. It’s obviously a mask for pain that I feel, to be awake and in the present is to feel pain. We all have addictions that we have to overcome, that are coping mechanisms. I break down into tears if aware in the present, not feeling sorry for myself, but those that get burned by my actions. I could really care less about myself, as a person who does not like to make friends and self isolates, I still have a rather large network of people that depend on me to be successful. That if I was to have money in my bank, their lives would improve as well. But I digress, this is my daily reality, and if you really think I’m going to be a millionaire one day, your crazy! Regardless, crawl with only one arm, and no legs, I’m going for it. I’ve sunk my ships, there is no going back. 12:30pm. The problem I have with all the red pill bullshit relationship advice that pops up in my feed, is the men giving the advice not having the self awareness to realize that men and women think very alike. And that often men feel pressured to put on a facade to hide their true feelings which are nearly idéntical to a woman’s, we all want the same thing. Stop playing games, your fucking it up lol. Where is your wife or husband when you give this advice? You cannot even make your own bed, but want to help others make theirs? Cmmmoooonn get real. 8:30pm. I have done literally nothing today, guess I’m still getting over shit, I wish there was a right way to do relationships. Conventional wisdom is grow yourself first, then seek love. But I prefer it backwards, even if that’s not possible, means a lot more. Im scared to make a lot of money first, and then date, because how can I ever trust any of them? Perhaps I’m overthinking as I do, normally. Sorry guys, just going through my emo phase I guess. Tbh I’m exhausted.