Mindset

Starting over is a very common theme in my life, I may touch on my demons that torment me either today or later on, that I think partly attribute to my constant starting over again and again and never really getting anywhere, at least as far as I can tell, there may be a fog of war effect happening where I do not see so clearly how I am advancing and in what ways im making progress. In thinking this, something Alex Hormozi says that comes to mind is, “we are always one good decision away from changing our life”. Another thought that comes to mind is what my good friend Dalton had to say, an idea rather, that hell is life flipped upside down, meaning that hell is a constant pursuit of something that can never be attained as a way to break us down over time and torture our minds. So in this hellscape we are motivated forward to what will ultimately be failure, I find it hard to remember the last time I tasted any significant victory, so Daltons unsettling words rest on my mind daily. Unfortnately such a saying bothers me, because I am someone who is uncertain in what reality is, this could be hell, of course if you are a real person who is reading this post then you know such a thought is absurd, however there is simply no way to prove what reality is, and hence I try not to think about it too much and keep my head down and work. If this were truly hell, then salvation will always be death that lingers ever presently waiting to take us all, and thus if we are to die, then this reality is probably not hell. I’m always tired, and death into potential nothingness for infinity does not sound so bad, to close our eyes and to never see sunlight or feel sensations for an eternity is probably as incomprehensible to us humans as the animals we kill to eat. I only highlight these thoughts to demonstrate that my futilistic thinking has not abated in any way but rather grown, there is no point to hardly anything in my opinion, therefore do what you wilt but do no harm unto others as our own psyche should not be the burden of strangers. Regardless I strive on, as in this current mindset, the most logical thing to do is make a lot of money, and start a family, and die with a lot of money and life experience, do what comes naturally if you will.

The day to day

Currently I am staying with a friend in Arkansas, couch surfing if you will, Onlyfans is my main source of income when not doing Uber, my days are spent ideally working 12 hours and three hours dedicated to the gym every day. I say ideally because this does not always happen, being in this environment comes with the added challenge of distractions that I must learn to adapt to, anything that may improve me, I welcome with open arms no matter how painful. Other challenges are eating healthy, I cope by eating excessive amounts of food and masturbating, usually the two work in tandem, I would like to face these demons, the sooner the better. In the beginning I played copious amounts of video games.

I love video games, and it is why I will probably never own them in my own house in the future, unless strictly to play socially on the couch. I think what makes video games so particularly enjoyable especially for men, is the challenge and acomplishment loop, which video games perfect, this is fine to an extent, I do lean on the idea that video games give us a false sense of accomplishment in our day, by handing us easy victories compared to what we would get out of life. Especially in the morning if I feel the itch to play video games before I have even started my work, I know it would be bad to sit down on the couch because I should be far more excited to acomplish my life’s problems. The excitement I feel for video games should be felt for business. I have a theory that one reason video games are more enticing is due to how well framed problems in video games are, we know exactly what we need to overcome and the reward. In real life problems are ambiguous and multifaceted, possibly even multilayered in complexity and requiring skills to solve that we simply do not have now or will take time to develop, to make it worse, there is no clear right answer on how to solve a problem especially when experiencing the fog of war.

Ive come to really enjoy the art form that is “ground and pound” in much the same way I am a novice boxer who continues to learn from YouTube proper techniques of throwing punches, footwork and head movement, I am a complete novice to the art of ground and pound, being that the punching bag is on the ground as opposed to standing, thus simulating a fight where you may be on top of a person, beating them into submission while maintaining control and not you yourself being pinned. I have a very slight background in wrestling from my days in the Marine corps, we use to roll around all the time on mats when we had the opportunity, practicing very basic martial arts.

My slight martial arts background has given me the basic idea of how a persons body is oriented where their hands and feet are during my ground and pound on the heavy bag, the bag after all simulating a person. Currently I’m watching 3 YouTube videos over and over following along ad-naseum that go over basic positioning, and throwing strikes from these positions, each time I watch, I pick up on the finer detail’s, ideally practicing the same strike hundreds, thousands of times over and over until it is drilled into my brain… much like anything in life.

I sit at this table day by day and work, since being here at my friends I have been adapting to a rather chaotic schedule as mentioned, there are children here so they tend to be a little loud sometimes, and I feel obligated to play video games with them at least an hour a day, an activity I do enjoy. Sometimes there are hour long improtue nerf wars as I make my way from the bathroom back to the kitchen table and am ambushed. I enjoy playing soccer with them in the front yard, burning calories while developing better hand and eye coordination, I hope to always find time in life for sport activities and if I am to be old to play well into my years.