10pm: I should be asleep, today was an entire day wasted, some days it takes a lot of convincing to work, a lot of imagining the future I should be working towards. Life for me is just so boring, I hardly have any reason to be doing it beyond my basic personal needs and few desires, none of which require me to Amass wealth. I have no one to impress, no shame, no reason to live, I’m not in any way suicidal. I have a perfect understanding that all good things will come to an end, that pleasure is fleeting, that no matter how I live my life, whether here, the top of the world, or under a bridge, inevitable decline and death await, and in the blink of an eye, as how I am now 29 was just the blink of an eye as well. No matter how I live my life, a box in the ground awaits. If I were to be brutally tortured by a psychopath serial killer in a garage, I would hold some consultation that no matter how long the torture lasts, it will have to end at some point, because all things will end, and they will end in the blink of an eye. My only solution, is to construct a fantasy world for myself to live in, which I think clearly is something humans have been doing for thousands of years. We look around, see how dull and savage it all really is, and spin conspiracy theory’s to make it all a little more exciting. For me personally, it might be fun to try and live this life as thought reality itself is a computer simulation, just Like the matrix movie. Inevitably the same question will arise, why? When nothing matters what’s the point of even trying? I suspect when we die, we go to the place that we don’t remember before we were alive, non existence. In my opinion the most ludicrous thing I can attempt to do in my life is try to become Americas first dictator, will I succeed? Nah not even close 😂 But what if one really truly believes this is all just a simulation? No harm no foul, that nothing matters, just fuck it why not? Play by the rules and go for it, because what else am I going to do while in the waiting room for inevitable death? If anyone reading this has a great idea how one can become a dictator hit me up, I don’t need the glory, you can be the one, I’ll support you! Be the first to unite the entire world under one government, sounds silly right? It’s only silly as long as it is fantasy, you think people were laughing when Hitler came into power? ( May his soul forever burn in hell) One man responsible for millions of deaths all around the world, Hitler blindsided everyone, no one saw it coming until it was too late. I’m sure people scoffed at his grand ambitions of power as I scoff at my very own thought experiment now. But make it a reality, and no one is laughing. My point is, I think, that in this reality whatever it is, anything is possible, maybe not probable of course. I would like at some point, to experiment with inducing a fake reality in my own mind, at the risk of becoming more crazy than I may be already. Because at least for me, nothing else is working, as in I make very slow progress towards pre conceived goals I have set before me, forever burdened by what’s the point? In this way, I think self awareness is severely hindering me, my understanding of death. My only true motivation now is to avoid putting myself through more pain than I have already currently experienced, and helping those around me who in a sense depend on me to win the bread, so they may live more comfortable lives. At least for me I do not care but those around me, I can care for, as I do not enjoy seeing them sad, burdened by poverty. It hurts my heart to see in real time their dreams dying, I do it for them. And in this way I seek deeper motivations. As I said, I think simply, this life is too boring, so I need to conceive my own reality to live in. Now as for the existence of a god, at least one of the Abrahamic gods that created earth in 7 days, with the overall earth and creation itself supposedly only being 10,000 years old. I think the moon points to the possibility of these storys being works of fiction, at least in this reality, I really could be wrong. But when one observes the moon, it cannot help but be noticed the amount of asteroid impacts upon it. And yet in recorded history that we know it, the moon has not been struck at least on the side facing us in such a way as to be noticed. Yet the moon is full of impact pockmarks and for that matter, the earth has a fair amount itself, yet the landmass on earth is constantly changing shape. This could lead one to the only conclusion that earth is billions of years old as thought thus nullifying the existence of at least the abrahamic gods. If not nullifying but seriously challenging their existence, I’m an agnostic, for me anything absolutely anything is possible nothing is certain. I live my life one foot in front of the other.