I have met online, via Instagram a beautiful Moroccan woman whom I have been in contact with for a little over a year and a half now I think. She represents to me everything that I aspire to be in good thoughts and deeds. Between her and I is a chasm, i could continue on my own ruinous path of self destruction taking others down with me, or I could pass over the chasm to meet her. To be honest it is not an easy decision no matter how obvious it may seem, the path that I enjoy leads to at best self annihilation. I enjoy shoveling as much expensive fast food as I can get my hands on down my throat, I enjoy masturbating until there is absolutely nothing left, I enjoy ( when available) playing video games until my eyes rot in my skull, I have no sense of control currently, deep down I want to die, I have no slept well in 4 years due to my impulsive behavior’s which are only increasing in severity. There is an optimistic spirit that pushes me forward even when I have given up years ago. For me life is meaningless, death is a respite from existence a potential chance to no longer exist. I have no god, nothing to live for, I’m not sad or even depressed, I’m just bored, I’m killing myself for any sense of feeling alive, I don’t need to engage in extreme activities, as those are not even enough for me, everything in this existence bores me.

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